CaLoi’s BLoG

ever had a dream about the past? a dream that reminds you of sumthing you’ve done before, sumthing that’s happened, sumthing you did. USUALLY, it’s sumthing you regret doing, an event you did not mean to happen, an occurrence that is so nightmarish that you wish it could be erased from your past or even just from your memory.  well, USUALLY that’s the case, not this time.

i feel myself laying in my bed, back home, alarm clock blaring, yet i lay motionless. enjoying the sturdy bed and the soft pillows, sweet slumber. then chaos…"HOY! male-late ka na! bumangon ka na!" - it was my mom, i never thought i’d miss that early morning wake-up call, but now i catch myself smiling… i AM home. and it’s time to go to school. so i get up. do my morning rituals, shower, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, an oh! my uniform…i missed wearing thins uniform. time to put it back on. i ask for good graces from my mother…as i leave the house. with my backpack on…containing my second most prized possession (my laptop), i get into my car, KayCee…my most prized possession.(which is not in my possession dahil nakapangalan kay mumi.) anyway, i leave the garage, drive through the alleyway where i grew up and into the street. oh the street, the setting where all my childhood memories have occurred. i speed away! screeching KayCee’s tires like i usually do, not to annoy the neighbors but to wake up my fellow students as well, i am the always the first student to leave and by this time they should be getting ready.

i look at the clock, it’s 5:36am by this time i should still be in the alleyway, this is good, i’m ahead of schedule. as i go through my usual route to school, i notice that aint nuthin changed, the speed bumps i hated are still there. the pot holes are still in the exact same places and my landmarks are still there. the feel of the steering wheel, stick shift and pedals felt so familiar i never thought i missed it till now. my tachometer shift-light glares at me and i shift to second gear hearing the tires screech once more. i approach an intersection and having been driving in the states for a while, i look for a stop sign, i remember, i’m in the PI, no stop signs. i just look for the illumination of upcoming headlights from any direction and listen for engine or exhaust sounds besides KayCee’s, i hear none, it’s clear…tachometer shift-light lights up again and i shift to third. i make it to the espana gate in less than 40 mins…record time. the best i did before was 47 mins. there was no traffic, rush hour is yet to start, and i’m already at school. i pick a parking space and park under the shaded area. i open my windows, turn on my laptop, and check my schedule for the day…(feeling executive, para namang may magbabago sa sked mo?! kunyari iche-check lang baka mei pinalitan yung secretary ko eh.) well, for the most part, my schedule is the same. so i light up a cigarette and lean my car seat back. as i took a long drag and exhale, i turn up the radio. and it’s my favorite morning show! radio tabloid… so i lay there in my car, seeing all the familiar faces walk by, also the familiar cars pass me by. this is so fun. it’s like a replay.

then it rains…hard…pouring, gigantic drops of rain slam into KayCee’s windshield. i flick my cigarette, close the window, and turn the A/C on. where did this rain come from all of a sudden? then, an emergency news flash.

"…students in the Manila area are adviced to stay indoors due to an impending flash flood. authorities say that this flash flood will occur in about 2 hours if the rain persists. the DECS has suspended classes in all levels in the Manila area, particularly the university belt."

now i remember this day, the next thing i did was to go into the building and check with my professors. they tell me to go home because they are too, they dont want to be stuck in the flood and the power is out so it would be a bad idea to stay in school. that was what i did back then…but now, since i already know what’s to happen, i might as well go straight home and enjoy my mom’s cooking! yum! as i prepared to leave, i check if KayCee is in neutral, depressed the clutch and start the engine, i felt lightheaded…then i couldnt turn the ignition…this feels weird…"what the f…" i feel myself getting lifted of my body, out of the car and into the air just floating. i was like, "Did i just die? or is this one of those out-of-body experiences??? OMG! i wonder what was in that joint that i smoked?" all of a sudden…i see KayCee’s driver side door open. and i see myself get out of the car! i am actually seeing myself doing the same thing i did almost 3 years ago! i follow myself into the eng’g building. there was a ruckus! students dashing here and there…conversating, making plans, i hear overtones of, "tara! bilyar muna!" or "wala ba talgang pasok?!" or "tara! uwi na! tipid-tipid muna." but me, i mean…the me in that time…just kept zipping through people, bumping into them just not minding the chaos surrounding him…or me, whatever. i continue to follow him, all i can see is the back of my own head(damn i got a weird shaped head.) and i almost couldnt keep up. i see myself get to the stairs and struggle against the counter-current of students rushing to go elsewhere except espana blvd because of the impending flood. 2 flights of stairs and the "me" gets to the ICS department wing. the "me" looks around, like he’s searching for somebody. i try to remember, "a professor? a classmate? my thesis groupmates?! who was i looking for that day?!" another flight of stairs to the classrooms and the org room…wait, the org room. i was expecting to see someone there! then it hit me the same time it hit the "me". i look at the "me" still from behind him and he looked as if he got stunned, dead in his tracks. he was looking upward. i follow his gaze, and i see who i was looking for. there she was on the top of the flight of stairs staring back at the "me".

i feel myself sucked in from the air i was floating on, back into my body. I and the "me" were one again. and i stare right into her eyes while she looked down into mine. the ruckus continued to occur around us. people going up the stairs, people coming down, people talking, yelling, shouting, laughing…chaos. i felt so powerless in her stare, like a knight at the foot of his queen’s throne, looking up in sheer amazement at her queen’s majesty. my knees buckled. and i had to muster all my strength to make that first step up. at the same time, she steps down, never breaking eye-contact, we approach each other and find ourselves in the middle of the flight of stairs amidst the chaos happening around us. she opens up her arms…and i just fall into her. with face on her shoulder my body in her arms, time stopped. all the noise was gone, the chaos disappeared as if it never existed. and once again i’m a 3rd person viewing the scene. me in her arms in the middle of the flight of stairs, standing still.

you guys been in a situation where ur trying to comprehend why everything’s happening? like ur trying to rationalize or give a posible explanation of the events that took place, but u just cant find a logical cause-and-effect pattern? it’s like all the shitty stuff just happened to you. no reason.

hehe…kahit papano comsci pa rin ako…and in compsci, everything start with logic. but this time, it wont work…then you start to delve into the supernatural, "this is a damned curse! that’s wut this is!! this is all witchcraft!" -this is about the time you look for a wooden stake and a mallet and hunt that bitch who’s been poking a voodoo doll made to your likeness with needles and nails in the most awkward places…

then you realize you’re loosin your damn mind. you calm down…drink a glass of water…sigh…and blame it on bad luck. -this is my worst week ever…

Sunday, April 24 - sunday morning baby…lisnin to the song of maroon 5, driving around in my dad’s SUV looking for a place to grab some grub…grabbed me a sub…then proceeded with the day…did my chores…and finally, went to the gym. kickboxing class. i was partnered with this 40-year old woman that had 3 kids and been married twice. she’s 5′2 with normal built…but this bitch can kick-ass!!! dayumn! i tell you when it got to the sparring part…she whooped me like i was one of her kids who got caught red-handed stealing cookies from the cookie jar. her foot got into contact with my ribs with such force that before i felt the pain, i felt the sting of it. i lay flat on the mat…trying to breathe deep, but my damned ribs cant expand. shit…i lost so much confidence that if sumbody runs up on me on tha street, imma lay flat on the ground and do a fetal position…

Monday, April 25 - usual day, did my morning rituals…picked up some coffee and went to work. my boss was pissed for some reason, my supervisor was in no mood to talk. ok…i guess i’ll just shut the hell up and do my job. as usual, mondays are hectic, got 3 stacks of paper in my cubicle, one stack taller than me. can’t organize ‘em all…so i tried to do the most i could, with a trainee too! man…this was harder than i thought. so there went the day…i finished the tall stack…i went home, and slept the rest of the evening. whew…thank God! monday is over.

Tuesday, April 26 - usual day, did my morning rituals…picked up some coffee and…and… wtf? the hell? how the f***??? motherf… where was my car?! i only park on that spot! i never park anywhere else?! *wink**wink* *rubs eyes* it isnt there! sonovabit**!!! somebody stole it! no! somebody had it towed! but who?! dang! it’s already 6:45am! gotta ba at work at 7:30!!! that’s 20 miles away! wait…dad’s car! yeah imma use it! he’s in the PI anyway…enjoying vacation. Dammit!!! this thing aint got no gas too! gotta rush! cant be late no more!!  -so i rush to work in my dad’s SUV, which i filled up(dad imma reimburse that when u get back…) and when i got to the timecards…motherf… my ID badge was in the other car! >_< malas talaga…gotta tell my boss abt it….i hope she’s in the mood to talk. kahit tungkol sa manual input lang ng time-in, tapos kahit whole day na kami hindi magpansinan ulit…             

anybody remember the word, "indio"? history 101 people…it was a collective noun used to pertain to a Filipino 400 years ago. Given to us by the spaniards…it meant a lot of things, like, uneducated, mediocre or simply…the lesser class of individuals in society. kinda like when the black people were once called n*ggers. yep…we got our own version of the white man calling us condenscending names.

yeah…the word "indio" been long forgotten since the amercans bought us from the Spaniards…uhuh…that’s right, BOUGHT us back…not BROUGHT but B-O-U-G-H-T…the americans bought us for $20,000 ( dang! twenty G’s…right now, all that can buy is a car, a japanese compact car at that!)

well anyway, back to the topic…

the word has been forgotten as if it never existed, but i choose to use it still, to pertain to some Filipinos, instead of the modern or should i say colloquial term "JOLOG", "INDIO" kinda covers everything i dislike about my own people. but hey…dont get it twisted…i love my country, aint no place like home. like i expressed in my previous posts, but there’s just somethings that have to be changed…as Filipinos, u should know that by now.

INDIO…i couldn’t find any better example than this lady that works in the same hospital as i do…she is literally, the embodiment of the word…like the word was personified and WHALA! it’s her…let’s call her INDAY (o diba?! indio=inday asteeg) first and foremost, i should say that she’s nice…yep! typical Filipina, hospitable, because she’s older, she’s motherly…and very warm(well to me that is…being a "kababayan" or sumthin like that). hehe…but her "INDIO-NESS" comes from her thoughts and basically, how she sees things. for example…one day, i’m on my break, i went to the cafeteria to grab some grub, i see her…and she gestures for me to come and sit with her and her friends.

me: hi ate…

inday: oh! kamusta ka na!?

me: ayus lang…medyo busy pero kaya pa naman

*so i go get my food, come back and sit, somehow their conversation steered to lovelife…*

me: *sits down*

inday: ikaw ba Bry? mei naiwan ka ba sa Pilipinas?

me: naku wala…dinispatcha ko muna lahat bago ko umalis…hehehe(syempre joke yun). dito na nga lang ako naghahanap eh

inday: naku! pag mamimili ka dapat yung doctor! o kaya yung nurse! naku wag kang pipili ng pobre yung papakainin mo pa!

see wut i mean…it’s so indio…the concept of marriage to have a better life…find a partner that can pull-up financially and socially…clearly, she has no concept of love and companionship..somewhat a gold-digger. i should say….it’s disgusting…

next week….i see her again, at the cafeteria…the usual kamustahan and all (and yeah, before i forget to mention…she has two boys…around my age too who dont know how to speak filipino, and have never been to the PI…and of course…tells everyone they’re americans…need i say more. that’s what happens if ur raised by INDIO here in the states…)

so i sit down with them again…

inday: ano na balita?

me: medyo busy sa department…daming trabaho, matangkad pa sakin yung stack ng papel na ino-organize ko…tatlo kami dati dun eh…ngaun mag-isa na lang ako…kaya laspag ako sobra…

inday: mei opening sa department namin! lumipat ka na lang!

there we go again…"ka-indio-han" nanaman…in my department, she knows that only i can do my…it’d be  great big mess if i left…just because it’s too busy doesnt mean i have to quit right? i know better than that…unfortunately, inday doesnt, yeah the next week she left her department for another…simply because the girl that used to work with her quit. she thought it’s too busy…she left. tsk tsk tsk…that was the position she was offering me. hehe, she dint last too long in the new department, why? need i say more? "ka-indiohan"

inday: hi how can i help you?

white dude: hi…my wife is in the ER…she’s having our baby prematurely, we dint expect the baby to come soon we’re here on a visiting trip and i left our insurance cards and all.

inday: ok…we accept credit and debit cards for downpayment

*well, wut inday couldve done is ask wut healthcare insurance provider the dude has, call the insurance company and verify the dude’s policy number…that way it’d be easier for the dude. but NO!!! hell no…inday is too indio to do that…and besides it’s already 4pm…she gotta rush home and watch american idol…*

dude: oh…my credit is bad and i dont have cash right now…can i do a promissory note or sumthin, till i get into contact with my healthcare provider?

inday: well?! if you can’t pay the downpayment right now?! i suggest you look for a different hospital that will accept an "I-O-U" note or whatever you mean!!!!

dude: *complete shock*

*nurses around the front desk froze, looking at inday with their mouths open…*

it was like time stood still…that was a lawsuit right there…good thing inday left(thanks to american idol…) and another receptionist took over and handled the dude properly…

the next day…human resources had inday busted back to her old department… and while having lunch…

inday: bumalik na ko sa dati kong department…

me: *acting like i dint know anything abt it* bakit naman?

inday: ayoko na dun sa bago! ang susungit ng mga tao!

me: *chokes on my food, drinks water* talaga?

inday: oo! sobra! nilayasan ko nga sila…

four-million…four freakin’ million Filipinos in the United States. and still growing. have you guys seen the US embassy along Roxas blvd lately? the line keeps growing longer, it dont stop. we can fill up one-city here in the US or maybe even a state, or maybe do it like the Chinese do…u know…have a Filipino town in every state, have a home away from home. like build it around every Philippine embassy here in the states, then if i’m there…i’d really feel that i’m on Philippine territory, Pinoy land. Why hasn’t anybody done that? i’m pretty sure somebody’s thought of it. and i’m here thinkin why it hasnt happened yet. Well, there’s one reason i can think of…Pinoys hate Pinoys…

Yup! absolutely…we hate each other as much as black people dislike white people and vice versa. it’s a shame…but it’s true. i once thought that i’d find it easy to have Filipino friends here and i’d be aiight. Boy was i wrong. Unsurprisingly, i could hang around black people easier and blend in. With other Pinoys…not most of the time. i find these people ridiculuos…that’s why.

u know how it is…every Filipino immigrant’s story…why do they travel halfway around the world, and choose to be away from home? "greener pasteurs". they have a life here, have a home, a family…and raise their kids the american way. take note…"the american way". there was once this kid at a party i attended, had a little conversation with her…

me: so ur Filipina…

kid: Nope! hell no! i’m an American!

me: (obviously, there’s sumthing wrong here…) oh ok…so, one of your parents is american i believe..

kid: no, both of them are Filipinos, but they’re american citizens.

me: where wer you born?

kid: ok, i was born in the Philippines but my parents told me i’m not Filipino, i’m 100% american…

it was like…she’s ashamed of being a Filipino…and to think that her parents gave her that mindset. i mean, ok…technically ur american but u cant deny ur roots!

then the kid’s dad butts in…

dad: so how do you like it here hijo?! u finally experienced a white christmas huh?!

*in the background i heard* "i bet he tasted the snow…" *laugh*

me: well sir…i must say that i like it because i’m with my dad finally…but that’s it.

*from the background again* "u sure he’s been here only 4 months? he speaks good english…where’d he get his accent?"

in my first post…the black lady was surprised i could speak english, i was offended because i thought it was condenscending…but this time…a Filipino surprised that i can speak english?! this was something else, this time i was pissed.

me: *facing the background* well FYI, english IS our second language and they teach us good over there…and everytime you call a 1-800 number, 70% of the time, ur talking to a Filipino, working at a call center.

kupal: *gasp* u mean, i’m giving my credit card number to a non-american who’s halfway around the world?!

dad: so it sounds to me hijo, that u don’t like it here…or more or less not comfortable, why is that?

me: because of the plain and simple fact that THIS AINT HOME sir. to me, this is just a gold mine. u fill our pockets with as much gold as you can and get the hell out! u can’t stay too long down here or u’ll suffocate, u’ll loose everything…

dad: lose everything? we’re here to gain everything…

me: yup…but ur losing your identity, just like your kid here. i mean, how can u stand up in front of all these people and say that ur american!? when your height, complexion, built, your whole appearance and even your accent is screaming Filipino!? i guess you have to choose, tell everyone that ur american, in that filipino accent, or tell everyone ur filipino like i do in my accent, which one do you think will keep americans from laughin at you?

*murmurs in the background*

see why Filipinos here dont get along? they’ve lost their identity…and think it’s a shame to be what they are. and they try to hide it, hide it by putting on american clothes, eating american food and celebrating american holidays the american way…the concept of "Bayanihan" is long gone, it’s every man for himself. what a shame…

"No matter how much money you make, keep living your life the way you we’re brought up and you will be happy."  -George Lopez

at long last, i found time to tinker with this new friendster feature…tsk, gotta be up-to-date! i think i’m overdoing this ish though. see, i got this friendster acct, i got a myspace acct, i also have a hi5 acct then there’s neatvibe, i also got ringo, then there’s one thing you guys mustn’t have heard before, "myownfriends".

hmmm…wut do i write about? nuninuninuuuu….

been nine months in this new environment, and i’ve noticed a lot of things…hehe. things worth writing about, and i hope you guys find it worth reading. well you guys know that the US has become very diverse…every race on the planet has immigrants here, even citizens. and what you see on TV is true, racism is everywhere. no matter how much america denies it, no matter how many laws they provide to diminish it, it will continue to exist. why? in my humble opinion, racism is a concept spawned by ethnocentrism. you know, you think your race is the best, therefore, everybody else sucks. so people prefer surrounding themselves with people of the same race, or color.

with racism, comes racial stereotypes. take note, "racist" is different from "racial". "racist" involves hate while "racial" is simply acknowledging the differences, sometimes, in good humor(dave chapel’s type of comedy).  "STEREOTYPES" - hate it…nuh-uh! i know the stereotype for an asian is a smart, rice-eating, noodle-sucking, chinky eyed dude that doesnt need a calculator. but i’m Filipino…FYI some people here in america, dont consider pinoys asian. yup…the smart guy stero-type doesnt apply to us…as far as they’re concerned…we still stuck in the jungle. "third-world counrty" - this label can do wonders…plus they dubbed us…"tiger economy" jungle na jungle diba…punyeta. for example, i’m at work, and this black female co-worker gets interested in my ethnicity and origin.

lady: hi bryan! i heard u were new here in the states! how are you liking it so far?

me: oh i’m luvin it! but there’s no place like home…nahmsayin?

lady: OMG! y…you…YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!!!! :O

me: (this time it became clear to me that i wasnt gonna like this conversation) why’d u ask me in english then if you thought i dint speak english? *stupid b_tch*

lady: i was just hoping that u’ll get the gist of wut i said. OMG! and your english is pretty good! u really prepared before u got here huh?! i wonder how much english classes cost?! i heard koreans pay good money to learn english!

me: (i can feel heat on my ears now) well…i must say…my first english classes would be TV! sesame street, to be specific…

lady: OH! you had the oppurtunity to watch sesame street on TV! how fortunate of you! i love elmo! you? i bet ur favorite character is cookie monster!

me: *silence*

lady: big bird?

me: *blank face* (of course i meant to say that i watched sesame street when i was a kid…and that i’ve been fluent since age 5, this b_tch got it twisted! >_< and started thinking that i’m still getting conversation tips from…cookie monster? or big bird?)

lady: oh i got it! Ernie and Bert! God i love those two too!

me: (finally, i just decided to ride along) my favorite character was the martians…("yip yip yip yip yip yip")

lady: huh?! those two!? they dint speak english…all they said was yeeep…yeeep…yip…yipyipyipyipyipyip!

me: (holding back my laughter….putangina! kuhang kuha nya! pati mukha!) *nanginging pa balikat*

lady: anyway, i bet your getting addicted to video-games!

me: (hmmm,i got over that addiction when i was in high school but i had a new x-box so…) yeah i’ve played some neat games

lady: i love RPG games! specially the scary ones! wut kind of games do you play?

me: i like race games.

lady: oh! trying to practice before the real thing huh! but let me warn you! video games no matter how good the simulations are, are different from real life….

me: real thing!? whaddya mean?

lady: well, when u finally learn to drive and get a liscence, that’s the real thing! very very different from a video game. seatbelts honey…

me: (ok…dito na ko medyo nairita…si CARL BRYAN MENDOZA?!? hindi marunong mag-drive?!) i do have a liscence and a car…how dya think i get to work?

lady: (in shock…as in complete shock!) OMG! how’d you learn to drive!? they gave you a liscence!? you should still be in driving school!!! or at least have a learner’s permit and have an experienced driver beside you all the time! i can’t believe they gave you a liscence! that’s a risk not only to you but to other people on the road! how long have you been driving?! dont experiment too much!

me:(now i’m pissed, i get the picture she had in her mind…she thinks i’m some aboriginy who lived up in the mountains, on a tree-top, and rode a goat to school…well, ok the tree-house had a TV…somehow and sesame street was on.) i’ve been driving since i was 15, i’m 21 now…so that makes it 6 years…

lady: f-f-fif-fifteen!? you just got here just 4 months ago?! you have cars there?!

me: >_< (punyeta…ur surprised that i have a car…if i told this ignorant-ass b_tch that i got here by plane, she’d pass-out!! how’d she think i got here? swam the pacific?!) yeah…i had a car when i was in college, drove to and from school…*stupid b_tch*

lady: c-college?

now this time, she lost interest in the conversation…she heard the magic word…"COLLEGE" either iniisip nya na nagyayabang lang ako…or she now considered me a threat…that one day i’ll take her job. hehe, honestly, i can’t figure out how this ignorant-ass, stereotypical, uneducated, racist, "think-shes-so cool" biatch got the supervisory position…if she’s supervidor…shit i can be president of the damn company.

see? i wonder how the Filipinos who got here first handled these misconceptions?! they clearly did a bad job of giving people the right impressions on our country…shiiit, i’m a man on a mission baby. White propaganda…gimme a timeslot on cable and these ignorant-ass muthafuckas would apply for Filipino citizenship.